I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
what does he know…
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.