Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
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4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”