making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
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They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
What’s this sorcery? 😂
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer