if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.