Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
japanese corn
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you