When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what