Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
You Might Also Like
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.