so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.