“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes