BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”