This is so me 😂😂
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Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
technically true but not a great slogan
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.