My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[montage of me giving-up]
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.