UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
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*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Today’s Times
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.