Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
#NoRestForTheWicked
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?