the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Venn
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???