Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
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So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*