“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out