I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.