PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies