Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”