She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
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*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”