COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
You Might Also Like
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Autocarrot sucks!
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.