[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
12653.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.