Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….