drew a comic about my origin story
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The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out