*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
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Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Peace was never an option
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.