Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
You Might Also Like
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.