(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY