accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
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Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.