I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
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[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
A dad and his duck
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Our lord and savoury.