Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
my fav colour is also hitler
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones