just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
You Might Also Like
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.