My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
You Might Also Like
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu