Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them