It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
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[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.