Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Well, that should do it
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
buys donuts instead
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.