I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
You Might Also Like
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
unbelievably distressed by this ad
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.