i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
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Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Jupiter
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?