ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
This hospital has everything
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
choose your gary
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”