What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.