I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Thoughts
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
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