What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism