When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My dog ate my work from home.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.