The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?