Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.