Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*