You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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bought wrong eggs
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.