CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.