Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”