Me, reading some of your tweets
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
OH. COME. ON.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Just why bro?!
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.